Infatuation

I've found that many times at the end of the day, I think about the eternal significance of it. When I realize the fleeting of my life, I wonder about what my days are amounting to. Am I making eternal impact on those around me? Regretfully, it seems that most days are spent worrying and preoccupied with things that will eventually perish. I almost never spend time resting in the beautiful and majestic creation of God. When have I ever momentarily stopped on the quad and felt the cool movement of the wind against my skin. When have I ever stopped to look upon the awe-inspiring stars. When have I slowed down my life in order to hear the concerns of a friend. Many times, I look back on the day and I wonder whether I've made any impact for God's kingdom. I wonder whether I've help God further his kingdom of healing to those around him. That's what I am worried about. I'm worried that I will settle for the easy and comfortable lifestyle and miss out on living true and abundant life. Even as I do my homework, I forget to realize that the effort I but forth has eternal implications for God's kingdom in the future. What is my motivation? Where is my perspective?
admittedly, I get infatuated way too easily - whether it be a person or something else. I get way too easily distracted. Eventually, these things begin to crowd out God. Selfishness ensues. I become infatuate with my wants and desires before God's. Have you ever been so infatuate with someone that every single morning you wake up, you think of that person? That every waking moment you long to be with that person. The motivation that drives you is the prospect of seeing that person, if not but for a brief meeting, during the routine of your day. I want that with Jesus. I've made the mistake of having similar feelings for people rather than the one thing that can fully satisfy me and that is a relationship with Jesus. Sometimes I buy into this world's lie about romance: that some person will be able to fill the void and longing in my heart. It's so hard. It's a struggle. We long to fill deep spiritual need with temporary physical imitations. We think that our answer to intimacy and love is found in another person when it can only be adequately filled with and by Christ. It's just so much easier to believe and strive after things that we can physically grasp in our hands. Many times I wonder about my relationship with God, about how intimate it is and how real it is. I wonder whether my concepts of God are truly who he is or I'm just putting up my own constructs. I want to love Jesus and not the Jesus I have created in my mind - cause if that is the case, we are just loving and worshiping ourselves. It's hard to surrender everything to Christ and not expect anything back. I sometimes say I will give something up to God when in actuality I reason that if I "surrender" something, I will be able to keep it after all. I am learning the meaning of surrender, to give up something you deeply care about and trust that God knows what he is doing. While sometimes surrender means giving things up, other times, surrender means waiting, other times, surrender means taking action. Surrender means trusting that God is in control and that he knows best. For me, I've realized that surrender means not thinking or reasoning too much.

I'm learning to fall in love with God. I hope to see him today, if only for a brief moment.