The Journey

"Christianity is a crutch." Is grace is an excuse for apathy and continued sin? Where can I find the balence between accountability and grace? In so many ways, I've bought into the lie of this world. In fact, I'm still struggling with my whole mind set of earning my self-worth. I'm only worth as much as I can contribute. I think about how I look to God for comfort so many times and wonder if I am using God as a crutch. I wonder if I am molding God into my own image as a coping mechanism for the harsh realities of life. In many ways I am. I've discovered how so many times, I've created a god in my own image for my own purposes and comfort. How many times have I reasoned: "I feel God is calling me do this or that...", or "I feel this is God's will..." when in actuality, I am merely using God to fill my own insecurities and agendas? I've been so caught up in trying to hear God tell me the exact path to go, that I begin to confuse my voice with his. I'm learning to build myself with the charater of God rather then merely just listen to his "voice" for desicion making. It's kinda like the teach a man to fish rather than just giving him one. I think that sometimes I get so caught up in learning to hear God's voice rather than allowing God to transform my character in line with his. In the end, I don't think we are supposed to have our own agendas, hear this voice of "do this" or "make this choice" and follow it. Instead, I believe that God must transform us from the inside out. He must transform our character, our wants, and our will. Eventually, we do not need to listen to that "voice" in order to make a decision, our intimate knowing of God and character transformation will allow us discernment in making godly decisions on our own. Whenever making decisions, I wait for that gut feeling, that "stirring of the spirit." I think that a lot of times, those descisions can be based on human emotions rather than the clear desire of God's will. I think that, in the end, God doesn't desire followers who are robots who mindlessly follow orders from God. I think that God desires people who think for themselves. People with transformed characters filled with spirit and wisdom. The transformation of the character is much more powerful than the following of a command. This begins with prayer for wisdom and the seeking of it through studying God's word. You want to know more about God's will for your life? Read the Bible and start living it.

So many times I desire the miraculous appearances of angels or visions to tell me what God intends for my life. This desire is flawed. First thing, God decides when and how to give us those life altering visions. Second, for the people in the Bible, these people were not seeking after that vision, they were living life when God decides to show up. I've got to realize that before those big, life changing moments, I must first remain faithful in the everyday.

I make myself more godly than I truly am. I've come to the conclusion that majority of my decisions are based on my selfish desires. I have to be honest. I'm not to pious. I read a passage in the Bible, I quickly forget the passage, and I don't even apply it to my life. I find it extremely hard to pray. It feels like I'm talking to a distant parent that I just had a fight with. Sometimes, I feel like my prayers are so fake. Public prayer seems geared toward the listening audience and my mind cannot stay focused during private prayer. Praise God. Through that struggle, I get a sense that God is painfully refining the temperment of my soul. It's frustrating though, when God seems so distant that you doubt his sovereignty or initmate existence in your life.

Sometimes, I feel so tired, so lonely on this Christian journey. Sometimes, I just want to give up. Temptation seeps into the brain, telling me to give up and stop trying. Sometimes, the frustration builds up like water behind a dam and it feels like the dam is going to collaspe anytime. It feels like the mind is going to breakdown. Sometimes, being Christ-like comes so easily, it feels like 2nd nature. Other times, being Christ-like feels so artificial and fake. Many times this feeling of lonely desperation building up comes from implosive living. When someone holds onto all their struggles and feelings to themselve until they explode. I hide from God. I restrain my thoughts from him. I fear him, I despise him, I hate him when all he does is love me unconditionally. He loves me like his son yet I treat him as garbage. I'm just so scared to approach the holy throne of God. I'm scared of my shame coming to light, scared that I have to change, to actually leave my shell of comfort. God disciplines those that he loves. Discipline me, teach me, mold me, guide me in your ways o LORD. I'm physically sick, and through that experience God has shown me his tender strength. I've come to realise how vulnerable and weak I am, but also how sustaining the arms of God can be when I desperately grasp onto them. Ultimately, we cannot walk the Christian walk. We cannot take up the life Christ has called us to live. Christ must walk it for us. He has. Christ must carry and spur us on. He is our only strength and hope. I think we all long for someone to understand us, to journey with us, to be intimate with us. That is why we blog, get so emotionally infatuated, and get so caught up in sin. We're looking for sympathy, looking for someone to resonate with us, someone to share our sorrows. In the end, no one, not a single person can fully understand what is going on in my mind. No one can fully understand the things I am struggling with. Not one can fill my empty void for understanding except for Christ. Imagine the struggle Jesus had to go through. He carried a burden on his heart that none of us can fully understand. Yet, Christ understands our struggles completely. Thank you, Jesus, for loving and understanding us even though we hated you and misunderstood your struggle and sacrifice.