Some Things to Think About

I'm just simply trying too hard. There is this deeply ingrained mentality to be the best overachiever in everything which I put my mind to. I have to be the best follower of Christ in the world or else I am a failure. I know this is wrong, and that eats at me even more! In many sorts, it's a catch 22. You strive to be perfect, but striving to be perfect makes you imperfect. I hate this mentality to succeed. It's like a cancer. You know you have this thing that's killing you, but you can't do anything about it. You can't will your mutated cells to turn healthy again. Radical surgery needs to happen.

Being in Taiwan has highlighted a lot of the eastern values which shape the person I have come to be, parts which I cherish and despise at the same time. Take for instance this mentality of restraint. I'm not only taking about the idea of dealing with personal matters personally and dutifully eating the bitter circumstances fed to you because of the long established traditions and values of society. I'm not only talking about being scared to screw up because when you do, you not only dishonor yourself, but your family, the generations of ancestors before you, and the entire Chinese people. To be frank and honest, when I heard the shooter of the VT tragedy was Asian, I felt a sense of shame. I had absolutely no association with this person, but when I heard he was Asian, I felt as if I was an accomplice to this horrible crime. I not only felt sad for the students of VT, but I felt sad for the shooter's parents who would have to bare this unbearable sense of shame. There is this constant pressure to live up to the expectations of the family and society. Marriage is a given. In Taiwan, there is this underlining tension to get married, produce offspring, and produce at least one son to pass on the family name. I'm not saying all this is bad, if anything a little bit of self-control and restraint goes a long way. A little bit of thinking about others and the people you represent before you satisfy your personal needs is something lacking in a lot of people living in the States. Nonetheless, the underlying tension to get an education, achieve accolades, get a well paying job, and obey every word of your parents somehow bothers me a little bit. It bothers me not because it goes against my value system. Quiet the opposite, it highlights the underlying tensions which exists in my heart. Maybe it's for this reason that I decided to go into Electrical Engineering along with an abnormal percentage of Asians. Maybe it's for this reason that I'm hypercritical over what other people thing of me and lack confidence in my decisions and the person who I truly am. Maybe we have been drinking the bitterness of restraint for so long that it's become sweet in out mouths. In many ways, self-denial is selfish. For the Asian, it's easy to throw aside personal ambition for the sake of honoring the pressures of other people.
I've come to a point where I've realized that I've never truly experience the grace of Christ. Albeit, I've glimpsed it, I've tasted a hint of it. The cool, refreshing droplets of grace have fallen on my lips. However, I've never really internalized grace within my heart, I've never fully come to embrace God's grace so that I can embrace the person I am. There is this precarious balancing act between accepting God's grace and being accountable to God's holiness. Strange how I've been seeing my absolute need for God's grace and, at the same time, seeing a God of absolute holiness and glory. I've yet to truly accept a God who would so generously impart his grace on my sinful heart and to continuously love a person which continues to spit in the face of the sacred. I'm desperately trying to realize that failure does not equal sin. Think about it, it's not going to be fun if everyone in heaven suddenly has the greatest basketball skills, intellectual conceptualization, and so forth. Hard to believe isn't it? Perfection is not about making every single free throw or acing every single test. We strive for those things because we long for power, status, or simply because we are ingrained with what the world tells us will make us happy. Maybe - i may be wrong - our inability to completely fight sin should not highlight our continual need to be perfect, but our continual need for God's grace. Right now, I'm waiting and hoping. I'm waiting and hoping to fully realize God's grace and love so that I can then truly be able to impart that love and grace on others. Blessed be the name of the LORD.

Hour of Power: Evel Kenievel

Apparently God still works...

Famous Daredevil Evel Kenievel's testimony and an article by Christianity Today.

Hour of Power:

Christianity Today article.

Proper Reliance and Improper Reliance

Continuation of God Doesn't Hear, He Listens...

"O LORD, in the morning you hear my
voice;
in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for
you and watch."

From David's words, we realize that there is an emergence of a pattern of waiting before the LORD. Call this time of waiting whatever you like, quiet time, time in the Word, whatever. We can begin drawing conclusions about David's attitudes toward God. David mentions the time of day, "In the morning." We realize David's total need and reliance on God to sustain him through the day. We begin to see his priorities emerge. Before attending to the immense duties in running his kingdom, David comes before God. The wording of the verse is first, God hears his voice, and second, I prepare a sacrifice for you. Even before David offers his sacrifice, before the day starts, God is there, hearing and listening to the voice of David. How awesome that before attending to the "business" of running his heavenly kingdom, God heeds the voice of David in a very personal way. David's time is also scheduled and set apart. Sacred in many ways.
A three part dynamic emerges from this passage. The first dynamic is that God listens. He listens even before David is able to offer Him sacrifices. God also listens on a very personal and intimate level. David sets aside time and God sets aside time to have a deep, soulful interchange. The second dynamic is that David offers his sacrifices, or as the NIV says, lay his requests. Back in the day, sacrifices were not casual affairs. There were a lot of regulations on the type of animal to sacrifice, the place to sacrifice, and the person who sacrifices. Do something haphazardly and wham! fire from heaven. David understood the holiness of God and that his interchange with God needed to be done in proper attitude and fashion. David realized that he was a servant to God and that God was not a servant to him. Lastly, we see David waiting in expectation. After the preparation of his sacrifice, David watches. First and foremost, David expects God to respond. And secondly, David waits for God to respond. He does not offer his sacrifice and leaves. He waits, he listens; God listens to David, and David listens to God. A dialog starts to happen.
What really surprises me is David's attitude toward time in respect with God. Time with God is not being lost with each passing moment, instead, value is being gained. David cherishes his time with God.

Summary:
David prioritizes and schedules times with God.
David has intimate dialog with God. He speaks, God listens. He listens, God speaks.
David has proper respect for the holiness of God.

Next section, Good News, Bad News ...

(God is outside of time. It is not like God is losing time or aging. However, from a human perspective, a God who cares to have personal relationships with people is truly amazing.)

God Doesn't Hear, He Listens

Survey of Psalm 5: A look at God, David, and Us

"Give ear to my words, O LORD;
consider my groaning.
Give attention to the sound of my cry,
my King and my God,
for to you do I pray."

When David utters the words, "Give ear to my words," I don't think David is necessarily pleading for God to hear him. David understands that God hears his cries, or else why would he even be uttering this phrase in the first place? Instead, David seeks for God to listen to his distress, that God would care about his pleas for help. He is pleading for compassion -- the compassion of a listening ear.
How reassuring is it then to realize that when we earnestly plead in our prayers before God, there is not only a God who hears, but a God who listens, a God who pays attention.
David goes on further to talk about his attitudes toward God. To David, God is not merely this security blanket or safety net. David acknowledges that God is not just God, but king over his life. How significant this phrase, that the king of Israel would acknowledge his weakness and humility by recognizing an authority greater than his own. To many of us, God is God, but God is not king. We are in control over our lives and God only comes into the picture when it is convenient. David recognized that in his life, God must not only be God, but king over his motivations, ambitions, and thoughts.
David also uses the phrase, "for to you do I pray." This reveals David's shear reliance and and realization that true help comes from God alone. Along similar lines, David's reliance on God through prayer acknowledges God as the source for security, change, and transformation. David, in times of trouble, does not turn to false idols, himself (when he does, bad things happen), nor the consul of his advisers. He ultimately finds himself on his knees in the awesome presence of God.

Summary:
David pleads for God to hear and listen
David acknowledges God as both God and king
David relies on God through prayer

Next section, Proper Reliance and Improper Reliance...

Celebrating 111 Years of Fun!

If it weren't for the well-wishers spamming my inbox with Facebook wall posts, I think I would have gone most of the day not realizing it was my birthday. I still don't feel like I've cross that line of no return. I was told that in Taiwan they start counting age at 1, so technically I'm a year older than I thought. Not as special is it? Coincidently, we celebrated the 111th anniversary of the school over the weekend. There were street vendors, carnival games, and events. My brother send me this picture, I thought it was hilarious. Hope you enjoy it:

Seriously, I've never been that happy in my entire life!

Taiwan to the East, Taiwan to the West

Behold, the Pacific Ocean. Somewhere, many many miles away, is America. The bump on the horizon is called Turtle Island. Used as a military instillation during martial rule by the KMT, the residents were forced to move onto the mainland. The island has always stood as a symbol for the local community and culture of Yilan.

The Strait of Taiwan. East of Hsinchu city sits a long stretch of beach, formed from the sediment which flows down the mountains. Unfortunately, the sand was unstable so I could not place my feet into the ocean. Somewhere, many miles into the horizon is China and several missiles targeted towards the island.

A field perfect for playing Ultimate Frisbee. Unfortunately, I did not bring the disc that day. Dongshan River Park is the first highly successful project to develop public space in Taiwan. The meticulous design and construction of the park took ten years to build. Ironically, this park highlighting local culture was design by an outside Japanese firm.

If God used Peter, ...

All the churches in Hsinchu gathered for Easter celebration this Sunday. I would say that there were about 1000 people gathered in a sports gymnasium together celebrating the resurrection of Christ. I was greatly encourage having fellowship with other Christians rocking-out to some cool worship songs. Instead of a sermon, the service was a nicely produced passion musical. Basically, we join Peter as he sits in prison awaiting his execution. He recounts his experiences from his initial encounter with Jesus, to his denial, and to his restoration. Even though I couldn't fully understand the dialogue, the stories were familiar.

I also tried to explain some racial and social issues surrounding the church in the US. As I was explaining the complex issues of the church in the US, I've come to realize the many ways Christianity in America has gotten very complicated and weighted down. Nonetheless, different places have different issues. Taiwan has a relatively homogeneous ethnic consistency compared to the United States. While churches back home may have to struggle with these issues, I also see an opportunity for God to reveal his unifying and healing power in racial reconciliation.

Some Mormons crossed my path on the MRT (Taipei subway). Unfortunately, I let the opportunity to interact with them pass. However, while I sat there, I wondered about the countless other religions which seem so confident in knowing the answers. I must say that I admired their dedication and boldness to share their faith to strangers. One of the Mormons was white and obviously spent a lot of his time in Taiwan learning another language and culture. I wondered about their motivations behind sharing the Gospel of J Smith. If Christianity is the true and only way, why are these two people so dedicated in sharing their truth while I sat idly by. I certainly felt that -- at that moment -- the two Mormons had more conviction in the truth they believed than the truth I believed. I wondered, if we as followers of Christ claim to know the one truth, way, and life, why are our lives filled with such passive weakness? How do I know Christ is the one way and how does my life reflect my convictions. I thought, maybe the truth I've believe is not as powerful as I've thought. During some instances earlier, I passed by some beggars on the street. I was fearful, not knowing what to do, not certain of myself in this cross cultural environment. That day, even though I had the opportunity to see a lot of great things, these events constantly ran through my mind.

I'm still wrestling with this issue. I claim to know the answers to life's biggest questions, but my life is marked with shaky conviction, apathetic lethargy, and weakness. How can I claim to be a Christian when my life seems to blemish the precious majesty of Christ's name. Isn't this the case of the Christian church so much of the time?

Well I think that
1) We have to realize that Christ's holiness and majesty are never threatened by our ineptness.
2) Christianity is about the essence of Christ, not the majesty of men. By working and transforming the weak, he reveals his power. That's why the Easter musical was such a great reminder.
3) The power of Christ comes from Christ and is not derived from humanely will-power nor determination. God transforms our hearts, our dead hearts cannot change our dead hearts.

During my stay, I've struggled with fully loving people. I've struggled with the motivations behind a lot of my actions and many things I've fallen short on. However, God reminded me that we love because Christ first loved us. In other words, the reason I'm feeling this impotence in my love and actions towards God, others, and myself is because I've lost a realization and sense of God's love for me. If I ever hope to deeply care for others or -- for that matter -- live effectively, I must first realize and embrace the love of Christ. The struggle to realize the truth that Jesus loves me is a continual and difficult one. Nonetheless, this long struggle to sip, drink, and swim in the living fountain of Christ is worth the fight.

Jesus loves me this I know,
For the Bible tells me so,
Little ones to him belong,
We are week, but he is strong,

Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me, evermore.

Fall 2007

It's weird thinking about next semester, graduation, and the future. My tentative schedule for Fall 2007. It's a total of 17 hours with 2 ECE labs. I think I'll be really relying on God next semester. I figure I could always drop a few classes, and extend my college career another semester. Sign-up with me so we can have fun together! AAS 397 is called Asian Families in America. So if you are looking for a few hours of non-western and social sciences... Apparently we get to visit some immigrant families - how exciting. ECE 444 is about IC fabrication so if you use any type of computer and have taken ECE 440 then 444 is a sure bet!




I wish you luck in registering for classes. For scheduling help, I found www.scheedule.com good for getting a variety of possible scheduling options, and especially useful if you get to register early with a lot of class selection options. I also found schedule.illinexus.org another great tool for tweaking a schedule around. (The screen shot above is from illinexus).