So this week's large group topic will attempt to answer the question of: What does it feel like and look like to grow? I have to admit that I have not really thought of this question. However, as I look back to Freshmen year, I can really see how I have grown for the better and worse. I can definitely say that I've grown a lot more cynical in many ways. After many years of seeing Christian hypocrisy in other's, as well as, my life, and after encountering the politics in churches that can break families and lives, my heart has been rather scarred. I've always struggled with God's sanctification in my life. I've always been beaten in with the concept of doing right and not wrong, of going to church, of being a nice person, of not sinning. Ever since childhood, I've always struggled with having confidence in my salvation. I've wrestled with the feeling of failure and sin in my life and wondered if God could ever accept someone like me or whether I can even call myself a Christian. Eventually you get tired when you try to earn perfection. Eventually you learn to surrender more to God. It's that whole concept of trying to earn God's love. I still struggle with God's love. Accepting his free gift is one of the hardest concepts to grasp. Are we ever able to pry ourselves from the reach of his grace and atonement over our lives? After years of struggling with addictions - and frankly, still struggling - the sanctifying work of God's spirit can easily come into question. And along with that, one can easily question the state of one's salvation. I think that salvation is one of the hardest concepts to grasp in this culture. A free gift that God chooses to give. A gift that I cannot ever come close to earning, nor one that I can ever come close to losing. A gift that is completely dependent on the giver and his redeeming sacrifice. I sometimes wonder about how big a part God plays in my life, or, more correctly, how big a part I play in his Will.
I returned home this weekend. It was kinda discouraging going back to the English service on Sunday. The attendance was sparse and the atmosphere seemed to be lacking. It seems like a heavy air lingers among the English ministry in our church. People struggle to obtain ownership and direction. I do not see the vision and I get a sense that we are aimlessly wondering and searching for something that we don't even know what that somethings is. My heart really aches whenever I think of the English ministry. I see hearts that are longing for something more. I see so much potential, so much hope, and such a desperate longing for community. Yet, we are trapped in some sort of quick sand, unable to move and progress.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Bums Make Me Uncomfortable
I've recently noticed that as my quiet time has diminished, my focus on God has become blurrier and blurrier. I go to class, go to meals, and go to sleep. However, I forget the motivation behind all of these things and that motivation should be for the glory of God. How many times have I decided to do something for my own ends and means.
I haven't been able to sleep recently. I think part of the reason is due to my poor sleeping habits. I've been taking naps late in the evening causing me to stay awake until 3 am in the morning. However, as I stay awake, I've notice this hunger for something that I can't quite put my grasp on. Sometimes I feel this tireless longing for God's kingdom. I look at my own brokenness and I cry out for God to heal me. I look at the brokenness of this campus and my heart cries out to God. I occasionally run at CRCE. As I run, I feel my body weakening, I feel my lungs desperately longing for air, I feel the pain in my sides. Then God reminds me of the spiritual pain and desperation we have on this campus. We subject ourselves to agonizing pain in our pursuit for a something. Many of us do not even know what that something is. Other's are running towards a dead end, others toward the edge of a cliff. Still other's are running home, back into the arms of the Father. The race is so hard. But we run with the understanding that through the pain, God is refining and sanctifying us to be whole again.
I recently spent a Sunday afternoon at the Swann Center, a center for severely disabled individuals. At first, it was extremely hard to interact with the people there. It was a hard time talking to them and trying to get a response from them. However, any smile or form of response was a real delight. There was a bed-ridden child there who had the most adorable smile when ever I paid any attention to him. God really humbled me in teaching me how to show compassion and affection to others, especially through touch. Admittedly, I was scared to touch many of the people there, partly due to the fact that normally, I'm not a very touchy kind of guy. But, just placing my hand on someone's hand, leg, or rubbing someone's hair was something that I felt really conveyed a sense of love that words or expressions could not convey.
Even though there was a lot of pain and illness at the Swann Center, the love of Christ was very apparent. With some Christian music occasionally blaring in someone's room, I began to see and understand Jesus' love for his children. Even though they did not have the full mental capacity to function as normal human beings, I could still see how much God values their beauty. It was hard seeing beyond the drooling, occasional yells, and the smell of urine from patients that accidentally soiled themselves. However, God definitely sees beyond what we see. Each room had artwork created by the residence hanging outside their door. I think that that is what God sees. He sees the artwork or his children. I saw how the world is not right, not working, and not fair. I also saw a God restoring the brokenness of this world.
A few weeks ago, me and some buddies decided to stroll around campus town around midnight on a Friday evening. I wish I could have been more bold with proclaiming God's love, however, I have to confess that I was kinda scared. I had never spent that much time - like 30 minutes - immersed in that culture. We had decided to walk campus town with the intentions of doing a prayer walk. We silently prayed for people was we strolled up and the down the bars. I guess a first step is a first step, but I really wished I could have been more bold in talking with people and kinda catching them off guard. The influence of the world, of sin, and of Satan was obvious in the air. For me, there was this sense of non-safety and of unrestrained indulgence. It was sad seeing these able-bodied individuals selling their lives for a few hours of fleeting pleasure. I think that walking the bars was also a very reflective process. The drunkenness, sex, and depravity was merely the manifestation of the human heart. Seeing all the sad things that went on really revealed my own sinful and selfish desires in my heart. People were looking for something, and it makes it that much harder when you have what they are looking for, but they just don't see Jesus. I think we need to start to bring God's beauty back onto this campus. To live radically, love radically, and witness the healing power of Christ.
I hate going into campus town. There's the smell of vomit and urine. Every other shop is a bar. And homeless people ask you for money. I'll be honest, I only go into campus town when I have to. Especially on a weekend and at night. I hate that feeling of guilt when you pass a guy on the street, so I just avoid the area all together. I mean it would be easier just to ignore them when you are going to grab something to eat in Campus town or going to the Loft. It would also be easier if I just throw a few bucks at them and have this "righteous" feeling in my heart. I think part of my fear is out of not knowing what to do. While there may be a lot of vomit, urine, drunkards, and bums on the streets Friday evenings, Jesus is there as well (or he needs to be there at least). For me, I feel this restlessness for knowing what living for Jesus really looks like. I have this hunger for the radical love of Christ, none of that sugar-coated stuff. Sometimes, I long for validation to be crazy. I've forgotten how radically crazy Jesus is. Man, I've got to read the Bible more. I love how God makes life so much more interesting and fun. Man, I can't wait to see God's healing hand at work. Life is so hard and ugly. God is so good and lovely.
I haven't been able to sleep recently. I think part of the reason is due to my poor sleeping habits. I've been taking naps late in the evening causing me to stay awake until 3 am in the morning. However, as I stay awake, I've notice this hunger for something that I can't quite put my grasp on. Sometimes I feel this tireless longing for God's kingdom. I look at my own brokenness and I cry out for God to heal me. I look at the brokenness of this campus and my heart cries out to God. I occasionally run at CRCE. As I run, I feel my body weakening, I feel my lungs desperately longing for air, I feel the pain in my sides. Then God reminds me of the spiritual pain and desperation we have on this campus. We subject ourselves to agonizing pain in our pursuit for a something. Many of us do not even know what that something is. Other's are running towards a dead end, others toward the edge of a cliff. Still other's are running home, back into the arms of the Father. The race is so hard. But we run with the understanding that through the pain, God is refining and sanctifying us to be whole again.
I recently spent a Sunday afternoon at the Swann Center, a center for severely disabled individuals. At first, it was extremely hard to interact with the people there. It was a hard time talking to them and trying to get a response from them. However, any smile or form of response was a real delight. There was a bed-ridden child there who had the most adorable smile when ever I paid any attention to him. God really humbled me in teaching me how to show compassion and affection to others, especially through touch. Admittedly, I was scared to touch many of the people there, partly due to the fact that normally, I'm not a very touchy kind of guy. But, just placing my hand on someone's hand, leg, or rubbing someone's hair was something that I felt really conveyed a sense of love that words or expressions could not convey.
Even though there was a lot of pain and illness at the Swann Center, the love of Christ was very apparent. With some Christian music occasionally blaring in someone's room, I began to see and understand Jesus' love for his children. Even though they did not have the full mental capacity to function as normal human beings, I could still see how much God values their beauty. It was hard seeing beyond the drooling, occasional yells, and the smell of urine from patients that accidentally soiled themselves. However, God definitely sees beyond what we see. Each room had artwork created by the residence hanging outside their door. I think that that is what God sees. He sees the artwork or his children. I saw how the world is not right, not working, and not fair. I also saw a God restoring the brokenness of this world.
A few weeks ago, me and some buddies decided to stroll around campus town around midnight on a Friday evening. I wish I could have been more bold with proclaiming God's love, however, I have to confess that I was kinda scared. I had never spent that much time - like 30 minutes - immersed in that culture. We had decided to walk campus town with the intentions of doing a prayer walk. We silently prayed for people was we strolled up and the down the bars. I guess a first step is a first step, but I really wished I could have been more bold in talking with people and kinda catching them off guard. The influence of the world, of sin, and of Satan was obvious in the air. For me, there was this sense of non-safety and of unrestrained indulgence. It was sad seeing these able-bodied individuals selling their lives for a few hours of fleeting pleasure. I think that walking the bars was also a very reflective process. The drunkenness, sex, and depravity was merely the manifestation of the human heart. Seeing all the sad things that went on really revealed my own sinful and selfish desires in my heart. People were looking for something, and it makes it that much harder when you have what they are looking for, but they just don't see Jesus. I think we need to start to bring God's beauty back onto this campus. To live radically, love radically, and witness the healing power of Christ.
I hate going into campus town. There's the smell of vomit and urine. Every other shop is a bar. And homeless people ask you for money. I'll be honest, I only go into campus town when I have to. Especially on a weekend and at night. I hate that feeling of guilt when you pass a guy on the street, so I just avoid the area all together. I mean it would be easier just to ignore them when you are going to grab something to eat in Campus town or going to the Loft. It would also be easier if I just throw a few bucks at them and have this "righteous" feeling in my heart. I think part of my fear is out of not knowing what to do. While there may be a lot of vomit, urine, drunkards, and bums on the streets Friday evenings, Jesus is there as well (or he needs to be there at least). For me, I feel this restlessness for knowing what living for Jesus really looks like. I have this hunger for the radical love of Christ, none of that sugar-coated stuff. Sometimes, I long for validation to be crazy. I've forgotten how radically crazy Jesus is. Man, I've got to read the Bible more. I love how God makes life so much more interesting and fun. Man, I can't wait to see God's healing hand at work. Life is so hard and ugly. God is so good and lovely.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Dialogue with the Lord
I was sadden to hear the expulsion of Intervarsity from Georgetown University. (Story) One fascinating quote from the article is from Chaplain Constance Wheeler of the University on their decision to expel six different evangelical groups on campus. Wheeler explains: "please know we are moving forward with this decision only after much dialogue with the Lord."
This raises an interesting question. How do we know what is from the Lord or not. Obviously, the officials at the University have their reasons for making a decision which seems right. On the other hand, other Christians would probably reason that this decision is not right. Who is right and where does God stand in the midst of all of this?
I'm not arguing whether Chaplain Wheeler and the administrators at Georgetown are right or not (although I do not agree with their decision). The fact of the matter is that people have exploited the name of God since the beginning of time. Jesus obviously warns us against these false prophets who exploit the name of God to accomplish their own motives. I begin to wonder how I have done similar things in my life. An argument is better won when I use the reasoning of "God this, and God that". Afterall, who can argue against God, right? In many ways, we have fallen into a world of Christian pluralism. We have the Prosperity Gospel, the personal Gospel, and countless other tailored Gospels. While there is certain danger in pluralism, I think there is definitely a greater danger in preaching a false absolute truth.
Take time to think about the God you worship. Remember that while God is personal, he is also universal in character and truth. Are you worshiping God or the god that you make him to be? Sometimes we worship the image reflected in a mirror and do not even realized what we are doing. Sometimes doubt sets in. I see other religions and wonder about their piety and devotion. I question myself and wonder what makes me so smart to know the truth while other do not.
1) Everyone is devoted to the things that they believe. Some believe in a god, while other believe in themselves. Everyone is pious to the religion they follow whether their god is themselves, their money, or some higher power.
2) Human reasoning can only go so far. We ultimately are all blind mice having our futile theories and glimpses of God and who he is. Some people may be a little bit wiser than others, but, at the end of the day, my theory is no better than anyone else's. In order to understand the nature of God, we need God himself to reveal who he is. God did that through Jesus. Jesus, both God and man in nature, the living word of God, revealed himself to man. He brought light to darkness and allowed a relationship with God. One fundamental truth that must be held is that the Scripture is not based on the opinion of people, but written through divine inspiration of God. One remarkable proof of this evidence is that with numerous authors across numerous time periods, the scriptures come together with a continuity unlike any other written work. Ultimately, though, one has to encounter the personhood of Christ, decide to embrace him as God or reject him as a maniac, then allow him to perform the most amazing transformation in your life. There is a truth out there and something must give.
Everyday, I hope that God would reveal his nature to me so that I can fully understand who he truly is. I'm tired of worshiping a god made in my own image. I'm also scared that as God reveals more of himself, I'll have to give up more of myself. Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow. In the end, the truth is the best thing in the world.
This raises an interesting question. How do we know what is from the Lord or not. Obviously, the officials at the University have their reasons for making a decision which seems right. On the other hand, other Christians would probably reason that this decision is not right. Who is right and where does God stand in the midst of all of this?
I'm not arguing whether Chaplain Wheeler and the administrators at Georgetown are right or not (although I do not agree with their decision). The fact of the matter is that people have exploited the name of God since the beginning of time. Jesus obviously warns us against these false prophets who exploit the name of God to accomplish their own motives. I begin to wonder how I have done similar things in my life. An argument is better won when I use the reasoning of "God this, and God that". Afterall, who can argue against God, right? In many ways, we have fallen into a world of Christian pluralism. We have the Prosperity Gospel, the personal Gospel, and countless other tailored Gospels. While there is certain danger in pluralism, I think there is definitely a greater danger in preaching a false absolute truth.
Take time to think about the God you worship. Remember that while God is personal, he is also universal in character and truth. Are you worshiping God or the god that you make him to be? Sometimes we worship the image reflected in a mirror and do not even realized what we are doing. Sometimes doubt sets in. I see other religions and wonder about their piety and devotion. I question myself and wonder what makes me so smart to know the truth while other do not.
1) Everyone is devoted to the things that they believe. Some believe in a god, while other believe in themselves. Everyone is pious to the religion they follow whether their god is themselves, their money, or some higher power.
2) Human reasoning can only go so far. We ultimately are all blind mice having our futile theories and glimpses of God and who he is. Some people may be a little bit wiser than others, but, at the end of the day, my theory is no better than anyone else's. In order to understand the nature of God, we need God himself to reveal who he is. God did that through Jesus. Jesus, both God and man in nature, the living word of God, revealed himself to man. He brought light to darkness and allowed a relationship with God. One fundamental truth that must be held is that the Scripture is not based on the opinion of people, but written through divine inspiration of God. One remarkable proof of this evidence is that with numerous authors across numerous time periods, the scriptures come together with a continuity unlike any other written work. Ultimately, though, one has to encounter the personhood of Christ, decide to embrace him as God or reject him as a maniac, then allow him to perform the most amazing transformation in your life. There is a truth out there and something must give.
Everyday, I hope that God would reveal his nature to me so that I can fully understand who he truly is. I'm tired of worshiping a god made in my own image. I'm also scared that as God reveals more of himself, I'll have to give up more of myself. Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow. In the end, the truth is the best thing in the world.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Love Skin Deep
I’ve realized that the closer you get to someone the uglier they become. From afar, people look nice. They look beautiful and handsome. However, as we get closer, we start to notice the blemishes on their skin. Their flaws seem to become more pronounced and their beauty seems to diminish and fade. When we first meet someone, we become easily infatuated with the front that they put up. However, as we start to go deeper and notice the ugliness and sin behind the mask, we realize that there’s more to people than we think. Likewise, we are afraid to show people our true selves. I think that this is one condition of the human soul. As we become more intimately acquainted with people, we notice the broken and sinfulness of the human soul. We notice the perversion, selfishness, and jealousy in the heart.
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