Not Home Yet

So this week's large group topic will attempt to answer the question of: What does it feel like and look like to grow? I have to admit that I have not really thought of this question. However, as I look back to Freshmen year, I can really see how I have grown for the better and worse. I can definitely say that I've grown a lot more cynical in many ways. After many years of seeing Christian hypocrisy in other's, as well as, my life, and after encountering the politics in churches that can break families and lives, my heart has been rather scarred. I've always struggled with God's sanctification in my life. I've always been beaten in with the concept of doing right and not wrong, of going to church, of being a nice person, of not sinning. Ever since childhood, I've always struggled with having confidence in my salvation. I've wrestled with the feeling of failure and sin in my life and wondered if God could ever accept someone like me or whether I can even call myself a Christian. Eventually you get tired when you try to earn perfection. Eventually you learn to surrender more to God. It's that whole concept of trying to earn God's love. I still struggle with God's love. Accepting his free gift is one of the hardest concepts to grasp. Are we ever able to pry ourselves from the reach of his grace and atonement over our lives? After years of struggling with addictions - and frankly, still struggling - the sanctifying work of God's spirit can easily come into question. And along with that, one can easily question the state of one's salvation. I think that salvation is one of the hardest concepts to grasp in this culture. A free gift that God chooses to give. A gift that I cannot ever come close to earning, nor one that I can ever come close to losing. A gift that is completely dependent on the giver and his redeeming sacrifice. I sometimes wonder about how big a part God plays in my life, or, more correctly, how big a part I play in his Will.

I returned home this weekend. It was kinda discouraging going back to the English service on Sunday. The attendance was sparse and the atmosphere seemed to be lacking. It seems like a heavy air lingers among the English ministry in our church. People struggle to obtain ownership and direction. I do not see the vision and I get a sense that we are aimlessly wondering and searching for something that we don't even know what that somethings is. My heart really aches whenever I think of the English ministry. I see hearts that are longing for something more. I see so much potential, so much hope, and such a desperate longing for community. Yet, we are trapped in some sort of quick sand, unable to move and progress.