Bums Make Me Uncomfortable

I've recently noticed that as my quiet time has diminished, my focus on God has become blurrier and blurrier. I go to class, go to meals, and go to sleep. However, I forget the motivation behind all of these things and that motivation should be for the glory of God. How many times have I decided to do something for my own ends and means.

I haven't been able to sleep recently. I think part of the reason is due to my poor sleeping habits. I've been taking naps late in the evening causing me to stay awake until 3 am in the morning. However, as I stay awake, I've notice this hunger for something that I can't quite put my grasp on. Sometimes I feel this tireless longing for God's kingdom. I look at my own brokenness and I cry out for God to heal me. I look at the brokenness of this campus and my heart cries out to God. I occasionally run at CRCE. As I run, I feel my body weakening, I feel my lungs desperately longing for air, I feel the pain in my sides. Then God reminds me of the spiritual pain and desperation we have on this campus. We subject ourselves to agonizing pain in our pursuit for a something. Many of us do not even know what that something is. Other's are running towards a dead end, others toward the edge of a cliff. Still other's are running home, back into the arms of the Father. The race is so hard. But we run with the understanding that through the pain, God is refining and sanctifying us to be whole again.

I recently spent a Sunday afternoon at the Swann Center, a center for severely disabled individuals. At first, it was extremely hard to interact with the people there. It was a hard time talking to them and trying to get a response from them. However, any smile or form of response was a real delight. There was a bed-ridden child there who had the most adorable smile when ever I paid any attention to him. God really humbled me in teaching me how to show compassion and affection to others, especially through touch. Admittedly, I was scared to touch many of the people there, partly due to the fact that normally, I'm not a very touchy kind of guy. But, just placing my hand on someone's hand, leg, or rubbing someone's hair was something that I felt really conveyed a sense of love that words or expressions could not convey.

Even though there was a lot of pain and illness at the Swann Center, the love of Christ was very apparent. With some Christian music occasionally blaring in someone's room, I began to see and understand Jesus' love for his children. Even though they did not have the full mental capacity to function as normal human beings, I could still see how much God values their beauty. It was hard seeing beyond the drooling, occasional yells, and the smell of urine from patients that accidentally soiled themselves. However, God definitely sees beyond what we see. Each room had artwork created by the residence hanging outside their door. I think that that is what God sees. He sees the artwork or his children. I saw how the world is not right, not working, and not fair. I also saw a God restoring the brokenness of this world.

A few weeks ago, me and some buddies decided to stroll around campus town around midnight on a Friday evening. I wish I could have been more bold with proclaiming God's love, however, I have to confess that I was kinda scared. I had never spent that much time - like 30 minutes - immersed in that culture. We had decided to walk campus town with the intentions of doing a prayer walk. We silently prayed for people was we strolled up and the down the bars. I guess a first step is a first step, but I really wished I could have been more bold in talking with people and kinda catching them off guard. The influence of the world, of sin, and of Satan was obvious in the air. For me, there was this sense of non-safety and of unrestrained indulgence. It was sad seeing these able-bodied individuals selling their lives for a few hours of fleeting pleasure. I think that walking the bars was also a very reflective process. The drunkenness, sex, and depravity was merely the manifestation of the human heart. Seeing all the sad things that went on really revealed my own sinful and selfish desires in my heart. People were looking for something, and it makes it that much harder when you have what they are looking for, but they just don't see Jesus. I think we need to start to bring God's beauty back onto this campus. To live radically, love radically, and witness the healing power of Christ.

I hate going into campus town. There's the smell of vomit and urine. Every other shop is a bar. And homeless people ask you for money. I'll be honest, I only go into campus town when I have to. Especially on a weekend and at night. I hate that feeling of guilt when you pass a guy on the street, so I just avoid the area all together. I mean it would be easier just to ignore them when you are going to grab something to eat in Campus town or going to the Loft. It would also be easier if I just throw a few bucks at them and have this "righteous" feeling in my heart. I think part of my fear is out of not knowing what to do. While there may be a lot of vomit, urine, drunkards, and bums on the streets Friday evenings, Jesus is there as well (or he needs to be there at least). For me, I feel this restlessness for knowing what living for Jesus really looks like. I have this hunger for the radical love of Christ, none of that sugar-coated stuff. Sometimes, I long for validation to be crazy. I've forgotten how radically crazy Jesus is. Man, I've got to read the Bible more. I love how God makes life so much more interesting and fun. Man, I can't wait to see God's healing hand at work. Life is so hard and ugly. God is so good and lovely.