Counting Our Fish

So we were reading John 21 the other day, and an interesting question came up. Why did John mention that there were 153 fish? We have to realize that counting that large amount of fish probably took some time. Sometimes, we have to stop, and reflect on the goodness of God in our lives. The disciples were extremely discouraged, Jesus in John 21 uses reminder after reminder to refresh the disciple's failing memory. I figure it was about time to count some of the fish God has so graciously blessed me with.

1	A wise father
2	A loving mother
3	A passionate brother
4	A generous brother
5	A kind-hearted brother
6	An adorable dog
7	A warm home
8	Warm clothing
9	Food to eat
10	Clean water
11	A bed to sleep on
12	Available health care
13	College education
14	Citizenship
15	Money in my pocket
16	Many pairs of shoes
17	Sight
18	Hearing
19	Touch
20	Taste
21	Smell
22	Sleep without fear of being killed
23	More than one car in the garage
24	Two computers
25	Clean clothes
26	Showers
27	Good health
28	Readily available to health care
29	Television
30	The Internet
31	A Driver's License
32	Friends to cherish
33	An Identity
34	Freedom to worship
35	Shoes without holes
36	Socks
37	Waste management
38	Grocery stores
39	Salvation
40	Grace
41	Jesus
42	Unconditional Love
43	Healing
44	The Word
45	Ability to walk
46	Mental capability
47	Literacy
48	Hair
49	Sexual Pleasure
50	Heating
51	Air Conditioning
52	Family
53	More than one Bible
54	A place to sit
55	Pens and paper
56	TI-83
57	A warm coat
58	To openly go to church
59	To proclaim the glory of God
60	Joy
61	Peace
62	Cell Phone
63	Textbooks
64	The warm sunlight
65	The beautiful scenery
66	Professors to teach
67	Carefree children
68	Candy
69	Electronics
70	Underwear
71	Knowing Jesus
72	Being the top 1% wealthiest in the World
73	Meeting International Students
74	Food to waste
75	Drinking water directly from the faucet
76	A EE degree
77	A bus system
78	Dental care
79	Dry cleaners
80	Opportunity
81	Hope
82	My Asian heritage
83	My maleness
84	Intervarsity staff who care
85	A church to go to
86	A campus to minister to
87	Movies to watch
88	The ability to speak
89	Two hospitals with in walking distance
90	More Libraries than one can count
91	Readily available electricity
92	Reliable electricity
93	Time to create this list
94	A stable government
95	A God to lean on when I cannot go on
96	Accountability partners
97	Prayer
98	A Pastor who cares
99	A place to call home
100	A sister-in-law
101	Toys
102	A new backpack
103	Transportation network
104	Sewage system
105	People who clean up our mess
106	People who cook for us
107	People who pray for us
108	Sanctification
109	The time to argue about theology
110	Refrigeration
111	Cold foods cold
112	Hot foods hot
113	Microwave
114	Restaurants to go to
115	The ability to play sports
116	The ability to walk
117	Transformation
118	Life
119	Light during nighttime
120	The right to a fair trial
121	Great roomies
122	Medicine
123	Antibiotics
124	Vaccinations
125	Hair products
126	Being able to talk to people hundreds of miles away
127	A God who is faithful to His word
128	Music to dance to
129	Praise to sing
130	Multiple computer labs
131	Laughter
132	Hugs
133	Flowers to admire
134	Books to read for leisure
135	Beautiful Autumn days
136	Accrediting us with Jesus' righteousness
137	Sleeping in sometimes
138	Workout facilities
139	Homework groups
140	Past Exams
141	Redemption
142	Grass to lay down in
143	Fields to play on
144	Cameras to record memories with
145	Community
146	Fellowship
147	Refinement through struggles
148	Comfort
149	Security
150	Enemies to love
151	Things to surrender
152	Four walls and a roof
153	A purpose for living

After their satisfying meal of grilled fish, Jesus poses a question to Peter. "Do you love me more than these?" ... Do I love God more than any of these 153 things? The answer should be yes, but the response is so much harder. Take time to think about how privileged we are, take a lifetime to give them all up for the sake of Christ.

My Adorable Grandmother

So my grandmother arrived today. I asked her how she came to know the Lord, and she gave this interesting story. So anyways, back many years when it came time for her and grandpa to decide on a religion to follow, they weighed each religion and decided to become Methodists (I think). They did not become Buddhists because the religion required way too much investment in food offerings and the practice of burning money was not financially prudent. If they joined the Roman Catholic church, they would have to buy candles and that was too hasslesome. They decided that following the Christian religion (Disclaimer: Catholicism is a denomination of Christianity) was the most practical thing to do. It required no offerings of food, burning of money, or buying of candles. So after talking with a family friend they decided to follow this Jesus character.

I think this story highlights two points. The first is that Christianity is completely based on grace. We are given the free gift of God. We need not do anything in order to receive salvation. The second point highlights the fact that many times we look for religions that do not demand radical transformations. I definitely think my grandmother has changed, but what we do not realize sometimes is that when we are drawn to Christ, we give up all possessions and we offer all of our lives to God. I'm looking forward to interacting with her for the remainder of the week.

Suffering and Hope

"I have three things I'd like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don't give a shit. What's worse is that you're more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night."

Tony Campolo makes a great point. I mean how often do I realize the injustices that go on in this world? When do I ever broaden my perspective to outside my life? I've been really convicted over the past semester of God's call to social justice, to be ambassadors for God's redemption of his creation. I've not only realized that I am lacking in that aspect, I also do not really know where to begin. Sometimes, looking at this world, I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of pain, brokenness, and injustice. Where is God in the midst of all of this? What kind of God would ever inflict such pain to his loved ones. I think that it is easy for me to say that God has a purpose for this considering the fact that I am not the one experiencing the ache and the heartbreak, considering the fact that I am sitting here comfortably blogging about heinous evil in the world. Many times, I get depressed thinking about the seemingly endless amount of pain and the persistence of injustice in the world.

I'm reminded of Luke 13:1-20.

"There were some present at that very time who told him about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mingled with their sacrifices. 2And he answered them, "Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans, because they suffered in this way? 3No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish. 4Or those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them: do you think that they were worse offenders than all the others who lived in Jerusalem? 5No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish."

From this passage, I think we can draw some points, the first point being many times bad things happen not due to the reason that one person's sins are more than someone else's. There is a deeper reason for the calamities that occur. We must understand that sin is the cause of such evil in the world, however, someone being "more" sinful does not bring more catastrophe on the person. If anything, our sin leads to the pain of those around us. The nature of sin is one of the benefit of the self and the neglect of others. I did not realize this for a long time, but the products we buy to benefit ourselves can result from the abuse of workers in another country. We, as Christ's followers given the benefit of growing up with power, money, and influence have the blessing and added burden of being God's instrument for social restoration. We are not the oppressed, we are the oppressors. We are not the poor nor naked, we are the ones who hoard the resources to ourselves. While everyone is on the receiving end of God's proclamation of spiritual restoration. We are on the giving end of God's glorious plan of social-economical restoration. Ultimately, God is the final judge of the occurrences of this world. God uses the calamities in the news to remind us of the fallenness of this world, of our desperate need for God, of our desperate need for repentance. In the fig tree illustration Jesus gives afterward, he illustrates God's mercy in holding off complete judgement to allow an opportunity for repentance. However, the story does not end there. Continuing on:

"Now he was teaching in one of the synagogues on the Sabbath. 11And there was a woman who had had a disabling spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not fully straighten herself. 12When Jesus saw her, he called her over and said to her, "Woman, you are freed from your disability." 13And he laid his hands on her, and immediately she was made straight, and she glorified God. 14But the ruler of the synagogue, indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, said to the people, "There are six days in which work ought to be done. Come on those days and be healed, and not on the Sabbath day." 15Then the Lord answered him, "You hypocrites! Does not each of you on the Sabbath untie his ox or his donkey from the manger and lead it away to water it? 16And ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham whom Satan bound for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath day?" 17As he said these things, all his adversaries were put to shame, and all the people rejoiced at all the glorious things that were done by him."

While the people were hung up on the fact that a lot of calamity was occurring in the world, they completely missed a miraculous demonstration of God's healing power. I think many times, I become so easily blinded by the brokenness of this world and do not catch the glimpse of God's healing power.

"18He said therefore, "What is the kingdom of God like? And to what shall I compare it? 19It is like a grain of mustard seed that a man took and sowed in his garden, and it grew and became a tree, and the birds of the air made nests in its branches."

From this passage, we begin to understand the inner-workings of human nature and God's kingdom. Our attentions are so easily captured by the sudden and spectacular demonstrations of calamity, while we are blinded to the subtle, continuous work of God's healing hand. I mean this woman was crippled for 18 years and on that sabbath, God healed her! How long are we willing to wait for God to work in our lives? Our eyes and emotions are tuned into tragedy, while our spirits need to be tuned into the slow, but lasting work of God's kingdom. At first, God's light may seem as small and insignificant as a mustard seed. But eventually, the seed becomes a huge tree! Abraham glimpsed the coming of the Messiah, but he never saw the full implications of God's covenant in his lifetime. Are we willing to wait a lifetime, or more than a lifetime for the manifestation of God's kingdom through our lives? God works through generations. While the pain and brokenness of this world cannot be ignored, for tragedy reminds us of our depravity and our need for Christ. Tragedy reminds us that God's work is not done yet. Let us not be blinded nor ensnared by the hopelessness of suffering. We live on the hope that while suffering is immense now, suffering will eventually fade away as the everlasting light of Christ grows brighter and brighter with each passing day. Look into the midst of the brokenness of the world and even our lives and see the glowing hope of God's healing power. Lord, open up our eyes to see you in jubilation and despair.

Culture of Christianity

I know the Christian lingo. I know the rights words to say, the right feelings to have, and the right arguments to make. However, no matter how much I look like a Christian, I'm not necessarily a follower of Christ. There is a certain struggle people have when they grow up in the church. A Christian sub-culture becomes ingrained inside their brain. Jesus slowly becomes the answer to every signal question there is about life. In many ways, our minds become numb to think critically about, not only what we believe, but the nature of our very beings. We fall into the hypnotic drum of Christianity rather than experiencing the full vitality of Christ. I would say that in many ways, my life is a 'Christian life'. I have more Bibles than I can count on my finger. Sunday bulletins are scattered all over my room. I listen to Christian music on my computer. I carry around a freakin' copy of My Utmost... for goodness sake. By all standards, I am all too familiar with the Christian culture. Do I reflect the culture of Christ? Do I represent Christianity or Christ?

Who is the next emcee?

There has been a lot of presumption as to who is going to be the new Area Coordinator or the new emcee. Come on. Let's not fall into presumption. First, I do not think presumption is fair for the people involved. Think about what kind of expectations we are placing on the people we are talking about. Presumption requires that we make judgement calls which are not ours to make. Ultimately, only God has a clear and right idea as to who he wants to be the next person in that role. And ultimately, the trust of deciding has been placed on the selection committee. We place character judgements on the person we believe is going to be in that position and we place character judgements on those we do not think will enter into that position. Selection into such a highly visible and influential role leaves a lot of leeway for pride. When we jokingly and seriously argue about who we think should be next in line, how seemingly arrogant are we for talking about something which is not in our hands. And what kind of doorway are we opening for Satan? Let's say our expectations are not met. Will we be less satisfied and will the person be less qualified?

The root of selection, I believe, is not who is the most 'able' or 'qualified' in worldly terms. I believe that selection falls into two main questions: 1) How can people grow through their new roles? and 2) How can the person grow in their new roles? Leadership selection is about leadership development. Ultimately, Intervarsity is about developing students in their walks with God and not developing Intervarsity as a trendy brand name. How can we, as a body of students, grow as God's children and how can we help the campus grow closer to God. Let us soberly pray for the next generation of leaders. That they would seek justice, love mercy, and walk even more humbly with God than this generation. Let's keep our presumptions in check and soberly look at the vision behind selection. Moving to upper leadership is not a promotion. In fact, I think in many ways it is a step into deeper servanthood. Upper leaders are given the burden of shepherding even more people. Their added influence demands a higher responsibility of integrity and, in many ways, requires him/her to carry a burden that many others have not carried before.

From my experiences as an emcee, I've realized that being in such a role can be very stretching. People think you are somehow more godly, righteous, and all-together than most others. The fact of the matter is that I'm just as - if not more - sinful than everyone else. There is a lot of pressure when you are forced to live up to the expectations others place on you. In many ways, such accountability is a good driving force. In more ways, my pride sets me up so easily for spiritual breakdown. Through two semesters, I've realised that being emcee is more than going up on Friday nights or being funny. God does not care about any of those things. In my opinion, emceeing and being part of the CET for Intervasriy requires - in no particular order:

1) Humility
An understanding that God makes things succeed and fail. A realization that if the evening goes well, we give all glory to God, and if the evening goes bad, we still give him glory. A tough and hard surrendering (I'm still working on this) of pride and vanity.
2) Desire for God
I've come to realize that through this processes, God has been asking me to desire God more during the week and during my daily walk with God. How am I seeking God through prayer, his Word, and through intentional steps of faith.
3) Desire for others to come to God
I've also come to understand that the objective of LG is not for entertainment. But the ultimate goal is for others to be changed and transformed by God through worship, prayer, the Word, and community.
4) Desperate reliance on Christ
From my time as emcee, I've come to realize that this campus and my life are filled with the desperate longing for healing and restoration with God. I can feel the brokenness of this campus. However, I ache when I realize how some people do not even see the outstretched arms of Christ. One of the purposes of LG is to open people's heart to embrace the healing work of Christ in their lives and to prompt people to become ambassadors of reconciliation.
5) Thankfulness
Every LG is a privilege. We are allowed to sit at the feet of Christ, to worship the LORD for who he is, to embrace his grace, and to continue to experience the sanctification of Jesus in our sinful, fallen lives.

Not Home Yet

So this week's large group topic will attempt to answer the question of: What does it feel like and look like to grow? I have to admit that I have not really thought of this question. However, as I look back to Freshmen year, I can really see how I have grown for the better and worse. I can definitely say that I've grown a lot more cynical in many ways. After many years of seeing Christian hypocrisy in other's, as well as, my life, and after encountering the politics in churches that can break families and lives, my heart has been rather scarred. I've always struggled with God's sanctification in my life. I've always been beaten in with the concept of doing right and not wrong, of going to church, of being a nice person, of not sinning. Ever since childhood, I've always struggled with having confidence in my salvation. I've wrestled with the feeling of failure and sin in my life and wondered if God could ever accept someone like me or whether I can even call myself a Christian. Eventually you get tired when you try to earn perfection. Eventually you learn to surrender more to God. It's that whole concept of trying to earn God's love. I still struggle with God's love. Accepting his free gift is one of the hardest concepts to grasp. Are we ever able to pry ourselves from the reach of his grace and atonement over our lives? After years of struggling with addictions - and frankly, still struggling - the sanctifying work of God's spirit can easily come into question. And along with that, one can easily question the state of one's salvation. I think that salvation is one of the hardest concepts to grasp in this culture. A free gift that God chooses to give. A gift that I cannot ever come close to earning, nor one that I can ever come close to losing. A gift that is completely dependent on the giver and his redeeming sacrifice. I sometimes wonder about how big a part God plays in my life, or, more correctly, how big a part I play in his Will.

I returned home this weekend. It was kinda discouraging going back to the English service on Sunday. The attendance was sparse and the atmosphere seemed to be lacking. It seems like a heavy air lingers among the English ministry in our church. People struggle to obtain ownership and direction. I do not see the vision and I get a sense that we are aimlessly wondering and searching for something that we don't even know what that somethings is. My heart really aches whenever I think of the English ministry. I see hearts that are longing for something more. I see so much potential, so much hope, and such a desperate longing for community. Yet, we are trapped in some sort of quick sand, unable to move and progress.

Bums Make Me Uncomfortable

I've recently noticed that as my quiet time has diminished, my focus on God has become blurrier and blurrier. I go to class, go to meals, and go to sleep. However, I forget the motivation behind all of these things and that motivation should be for the glory of God. How many times have I decided to do something for my own ends and means.

I haven't been able to sleep recently. I think part of the reason is due to my poor sleeping habits. I've been taking naps late in the evening causing me to stay awake until 3 am in the morning. However, as I stay awake, I've notice this hunger for something that I can't quite put my grasp on. Sometimes I feel this tireless longing for God's kingdom. I look at my own brokenness and I cry out for God to heal me. I look at the brokenness of this campus and my heart cries out to God. I occasionally run at CRCE. As I run, I feel my body weakening, I feel my lungs desperately longing for air, I feel the pain in my sides. Then God reminds me of the spiritual pain and desperation we have on this campus. We subject ourselves to agonizing pain in our pursuit for a something. Many of us do not even know what that something is. Other's are running towards a dead end, others toward the edge of a cliff. Still other's are running home, back into the arms of the Father. The race is so hard. But we run with the understanding that through the pain, God is refining and sanctifying us to be whole again.

I recently spent a Sunday afternoon at the Swann Center, a center for severely disabled individuals. At first, it was extremely hard to interact with the people there. It was a hard time talking to them and trying to get a response from them. However, any smile or form of response was a real delight. There was a bed-ridden child there who had the most adorable smile when ever I paid any attention to him. God really humbled me in teaching me how to show compassion and affection to others, especially through touch. Admittedly, I was scared to touch many of the people there, partly due to the fact that normally, I'm not a very touchy kind of guy. But, just placing my hand on someone's hand, leg, or rubbing someone's hair was something that I felt really conveyed a sense of love that words or expressions could not convey.

Even though there was a lot of pain and illness at the Swann Center, the love of Christ was very apparent. With some Christian music occasionally blaring in someone's room, I began to see and understand Jesus' love for his children. Even though they did not have the full mental capacity to function as normal human beings, I could still see how much God values their beauty. It was hard seeing beyond the drooling, occasional yells, and the smell of urine from patients that accidentally soiled themselves. However, God definitely sees beyond what we see. Each room had artwork created by the residence hanging outside their door. I think that that is what God sees. He sees the artwork or his children. I saw how the world is not right, not working, and not fair. I also saw a God restoring the brokenness of this world.

A few weeks ago, me and some buddies decided to stroll around campus town around midnight on a Friday evening. I wish I could have been more bold with proclaiming God's love, however, I have to confess that I was kinda scared. I had never spent that much time - like 30 minutes - immersed in that culture. We had decided to walk campus town with the intentions of doing a prayer walk. We silently prayed for people was we strolled up and the down the bars. I guess a first step is a first step, but I really wished I could have been more bold in talking with people and kinda catching them off guard. The influence of the world, of sin, and of Satan was obvious in the air. For me, there was this sense of non-safety and of unrestrained indulgence. It was sad seeing these able-bodied individuals selling their lives for a few hours of fleeting pleasure. I think that walking the bars was also a very reflective process. The drunkenness, sex, and depravity was merely the manifestation of the human heart. Seeing all the sad things that went on really revealed my own sinful and selfish desires in my heart. People were looking for something, and it makes it that much harder when you have what they are looking for, but they just don't see Jesus. I think we need to start to bring God's beauty back onto this campus. To live radically, love radically, and witness the healing power of Christ.

I hate going into campus town. There's the smell of vomit and urine. Every other shop is a bar. And homeless people ask you for money. I'll be honest, I only go into campus town when I have to. Especially on a weekend and at night. I hate that feeling of guilt when you pass a guy on the street, so I just avoid the area all together. I mean it would be easier just to ignore them when you are going to grab something to eat in Campus town or going to the Loft. It would also be easier if I just throw a few bucks at them and have this "righteous" feeling in my heart. I think part of my fear is out of not knowing what to do. While there may be a lot of vomit, urine, drunkards, and bums on the streets Friday evenings, Jesus is there as well (or he needs to be there at least). For me, I feel this restlessness for knowing what living for Jesus really looks like. I have this hunger for the radical love of Christ, none of that sugar-coated stuff. Sometimes, I long for validation to be crazy. I've forgotten how radically crazy Jesus is. Man, I've got to read the Bible more. I love how God makes life so much more interesting and fun. Man, I can't wait to see God's healing hand at work. Life is so hard and ugly. God is so good and lovely.

Dialogue with the Lord

I was sadden to hear the expulsion of Intervarsity from Georgetown University. (Story) One fascinating quote from the article is from Chaplain Constance Wheeler of the University on their decision to expel six different evangelical groups on campus. Wheeler explains: "please know we are moving forward with this decision only after much dialogue with the Lord."

This raises an interesting question. How do we know what is from the Lord or not. Obviously, the officials at the University have their reasons for making a decision which seems right. On the other hand, other Christians would probably reason that this decision is not right. Who is right and where does God stand in the midst of all of this?

I'm not arguing whether Chaplain Wheeler and the administrators at Georgetown are right or not (although I do not agree with their decision). The fact of the matter is that people have exploited the name of God since the beginning of time. Jesus obviously warns us against these false prophets who exploit the name of God to accomplish their own motives. I begin to wonder how I have done similar things in my life. An argument is better won when I use the reasoning of "God this, and God that". Afterall, who can argue against God, right? In many ways, we have fallen into a world of Christian pluralism. We have the Prosperity Gospel, the personal Gospel, and countless other tailored Gospels. While there is certain danger in pluralism, I think there is definitely a greater danger in preaching a false absolute truth.

Take time to think about the God you worship. Remember that while God is personal, he is also universal in character and truth. Are you worshiping God or the god that you make him to be? Sometimes we worship the image reflected in a mirror and do not even realized what we are doing. Sometimes doubt sets in. I see other religions and wonder about their piety and devotion. I question myself and wonder what makes me so smart to know the truth while other do not.

1) Everyone is devoted to the things that they believe. Some believe in a god, while other believe in themselves. Everyone is pious to the religion they follow whether their god is themselves, their money, or some higher power.

2) Human reasoning can only go so far. We ultimately are all blind mice having our futile theories and glimpses of God and who he is. Some people may be a little bit wiser than others, but, at the end of the day, my theory is no better than anyone else's. In order to understand the nature of God, we need God himself to reveal who he is. God did that through Jesus. Jesus, both God and man in nature, the living word of God, revealed himself to man. He brought light to darkness and allowed a relationship with God. One fundamental truth that must be held is that the Scripture is not based on the opinion of people, but written through divine inspiration of God. One remarkable proof of this evidence is that with numerous authors across numerous time periods, the scriptures come together with a continuity unlike any other written work. Ultimately, though, one has to encounter the personhood of Christ, decide to embrace him as God or reject him as a maniac, then allow him to perform the most amazing transformation in your life. There is a truth out there and something must give.

Everyday, I hope that God would reveal his nature to me so that I can fully understand who he truly is. I'm tired of worshiping a god made in my own image. I'm also scared that as God reveals more of himself, I'll have to give up more of myself. Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow. In the end, the truth is the best thing in the world.

Love Skin Deep

I’ve realized that the closer you get to someone the uglier they become. From afar, people look nice. They look beautiful and handsome. However, as we get closer, we start to notice the blemishes on their skin. Their flaws seem to become more pronounced and their beauty seems to diminish and fade. When we first meet someone, we become easily infatuated with the front that they put up. However, as we start to go deeper and notice the ugliness and sin behind the mask, we realize that there’s more to people than we think. Likewise, we are afraid to show people our true selves. I think that this is one condition of the human soul. As we become more intimately acquainted with people, we notice the broken and sinfulness of the human soul. We notice the perversion, selfishness, and jealousy in the heart.

For this reason, I have trouble building truly intimate and transparent relationships. The world sees my shell, but they never see the person I am when I am alone. Transparency is hard, because it exposes the truth that people are not as good as they think they are. People do not know the person I truly am. I would say that people generally describe me as a nice person, but what they see is only a little bit of the person I am, good and bad. If people were only able to enter into my mind, or constantly be with me, they would see the jealousy, lust, pride, and selfishness.

Then what is the point in having deep relationships when all they lead to is brokenness? One thing is that the only person in the entire world who doesn’t get uglier when I get closer is Jesus. When I look deeper into the character and heart of Jesus, I find more and more of his beauty and grace. I see the humanity and inner turmoil of Christ, I see the weight of temptation that he carried, and I see the strength and beauty of a Christ which overcame all those things. Also, Christ sees us all the way to the core. God is able to know us more intimately than we even know ourselves. Yet, even when God is able to see all this rebellion and pain, he still loves us. What grace is that, to die for such a wretched creature as I. And that is God’s redemptive processes, that as we continue to reveal our brokenness to Christ, he continues to repair those things. He wants to take our shame, and he has through the cross. What miraculous power, to take our shame and use that for the glory of God. Be careful as you continue to meet people and go deeper with them cause loving them will become harder and harder. Love is hard. The shallow love of what the world considers beautiful is easy and cheap while the deep love of what the world calls broken and ugly is hard and costly. God did the latter and he calls us to do the same.

Infatuation

I've found that many times at the end of the day, I think about the eternal significance of it. When I realize the fleeting of my life, I wonder about what my days are amounting to. Am I making eternal impact on those around me? Regretfully, it seems that most days are spent worrying and preoccupied with things that will eventually perish. I almost never spend time resting in the beautiful and majestic creation of God. When have I ever momentarily stopped on the quad and felt the cool movement of the wind against my skin. When have I ever stopped to look upon the awe-inspiring stars. When have I slowed down my life in order to hear the concerns of a friend. Many times, I look back on the day and I wonder whether I've made any impact for God's kingdom. I wonder whether I've help God further his kingdom of healing to those around him. That's what I am worried about. I'm worried that I will settle for the easy and comfortable lifestyle and miss out on living true and abundant life. Even as I do my homework, I forget to realize that the effort I but forth has eternal implications for God's kingdom in the future. What is my motivation? Where is my perspective?
admittedly, I get infatuated way too easily - whether it be a person or something else. I get way too easily distracted. Eventually, these things begin to crowd out God. Selfishness ensues. I become infatuate with my wants and desires before God's. Have you ever been so infatuate with someone that every single morning you wake up, you think of that person? That every waking moment you long to be with that person. The motivation that drives you is the prospect of seeing that person, if not but for a brief meeting, during the routine of your day. I want that with Jesus. I've made the mistake of having similar feelings for people rather than the one thing that can fully satisfy me and that is a relationship with Jesus. Sometimes I buy into this world's lie about romance: that some person will be able to fill the void and longing in my heart. It's so hard. It's a struggle. We long to fill deep spiritual need with temporary physical imitations. We think that our answer to intimacy and love is found in another person when it can only be adequately filled with and by Christ. It's just so much easier to believe and strive after things that we can physically grasp in our hands. Many times I wonder about my relationship with God, about how intimate it is and how real it is. I wonder whether my concepts of God are truly who he is or I'm just putting up my own constructs. I want to love Jesus and not the Jesus I have created in my mind - cause if that is the case, we are just loving and worshiping ourselves. It's hard to surrender everything to Christ and not expect anything back. I sometimes say I will give something up to God when in actuality I reason that if I "surrender" something, I will be able to keep it after all. I am learning the meaning of surrender, to give up something you deeply care about and trust that God knows what he is doing. While sometimes surrender means giving things up, other times, surrender means waiting, other times, surrender means taking action. Surrender means trusting that God is in control and that he knows best. For me, I've realized that surrender means not thinking or reasoning too much.

I'm learning to fall in love with God. I hope to see him today, if only for a brief moment.